Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
