Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
