My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
