if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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