I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
