I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
