And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
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the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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