No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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