Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
