I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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