Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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