I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
