No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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