captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
