this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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