Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
