i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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