I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
this hospital has no fireball
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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