He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
