I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
