i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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