Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
