Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You were trust falling into bushes
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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