Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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