i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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