My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
