I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
