True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
