dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
