I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
