Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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