Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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