That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
