two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
