It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
