I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
