If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
bring money and cleavage
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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