you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
