Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Soap is not a condiment
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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