Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
