fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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