You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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