I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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