i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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