once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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