I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
