I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
