I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
