i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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