I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
