I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
