I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
