I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
