just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All the doctor said was why
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
