Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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