Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
