I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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