I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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