saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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