The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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