Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
