I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
